my vagina monologue

I want to stay home.
In a way hidden and still not quite safe.
But where the sense of safety is just enough to help me fall asleep.

Truth is – I am tired.
I am tired of the silent tension in my body keeping vigilant in the dark alleys of the city running through my veins. A tension I am supposedly used to and yet tonight I want to be where I can breathe a little deeper – a little slower.

I would like to fill both my ears with music and drown in the emotions that flow from it. I do not want to have one ear keep on alert… just in case.
I don’t want to worry about the alcohol I consume in my neighborhood in the bars I deemed safe and yet having it somehow misunderstood.

I guess I am tired – of the constant ways of womanhood.
Every dream destination mixed with gentle waves of fear of what may happen if I were to be alone. Desiring the false sense of safety from being with a man – who hold the power to alter my breathing from ease to gasping in the blink of an eye.

I seek stability and shelter in a place truly safe.
I seek a time where I can break down and let the pain pour without judgment or responsibilities. All seems too much to ask. Too much to attain.

So I wrap my arms around the small frame of my body.
I caress it with whispers and chants of words it deserves to hear.
That I am great.
That I am strong.
That it is okay to be simultaneously so fragile.
That ultimately I am enough.
And that I am loved – most importantly by the two arms holding it close.

So excuse my weary smiles that drop the moment your back is turned.
Excuse my early exits and goodbyes.
I want to be home.
Somewhere hidden and yet not quite truly safe.

burn

turns out i am not built for casual.
i was born to be fire to burn bright into the night
i was born to be the ocean and dive in head first
i was meant for what i crave and what i crave is depth
something deep and real – life changing – no matter the outcome
i live for something meaningful that can alter my mind at its core
something so detrimentally special it breaks the soul when lost.
what i want isn’t occasional hellos and meet ups
what i want is late night conversations with a ear that listens
a heart that dares to beat harder when my head lies upon it.
a breathing living being who – despite it all wants to try again – with all the tears and the fears we dare stand naked before one another two beings having the courage to strip it down and still choose to stay – choose to try – choose to be.

turns out i am not built for casual.
enough pretending.
what i want is not this .
why lie to myself – i am fire. always been.
they tell me to be with water to balance it out
that i need a stabilizer.

why not let me dance and burn brighter with another flame just as bright, just as fierce, just as intense?
let me get carried away to somewhere new with some wild wind
let me bring heat to the very earth i stand upon and bring it life.

why must i be tamed?
if i want to love someone let me be
let my love pour out onto the streets and wash away the dirt
let my soul soar like a hot air balloon decorating the sky with more colors and hope.
for i know my love is unforgettable my love changes people and my love lingers and lives on within those i have chosen long after our backs have turned.

no.
turns out i am not built for casual.
be with me.
bleed in front of me.
dive into the unknown with me.
for i will be there with you.
and together we shall be all that we ever craved to be.