High and Low

Doped up on medication,
Ones designed to help me breathe without feeling,
I am here.
I am here now.

I live in the future.
Always 6 hours ahead.
Always 6 hours ahead.
Are you trying to catch up?

Sponsor me why don’t you?

Couldn’t sleep last night. Been reading all sorts of financial self-help/education books lately and they got my blood pumping. I am ready to make money. Serious loads of money. And I swear I will climb out of this heap of the shitpile mess that is my life right now.

So. I went online looking for jobs available. Found a few promising ones that I wanted to apply for which is when I realized I needed to make yet another login account and write a resume. So I did. This morning.

Almost instantly the phone started to ring. All sorts of education related companies calling and even telemarketing companies hollering at me. It felt really nice to know I was not only desired but more importantly capable of getting a myriad of jobs if I so chose to.

Then I realized there was a message I hadn’t read.

“Hi I saw your profile online. I am a single 39 year old male. I have my own company and I would like to sponsor you. It would be 5 times a month and I am thinking $6000 plus incentives.”

Ah. The Sponsor.
Been awhile since I was offered such a deal. Guess in a way it couldn’t have come at a better time since my view on life has flipped sideways and over some more. I must say since webcam, things like this are way more tempting than they ever were. A part of me thought ‘maybe I could do that.’ I was thinking of ways to insure he is who he says he is…. How to guarantee payment…. How to make sure I won’t get raped and taped in a random hotel room… then my mind wandered thinking ‘maybe he is part of Il-Bae* and he will have the gang rape shit set up… yada yada yada. I messaged back.

“Hello I have had offers before but have never taken part in it. What is it exactly that you are looking for? Also where did you see my profile?”

“Well…I saw that you applied for a job at my company and that’s how I got your contact info…are you interested? Do you not know anything about sponsorships? Simply put, you meet me 5 times a month and be my girlfriend…”

“I know some of it but not the details. Where do you live?”

“I live in XXX and my company is located in VVV.. For more detail I would rather we discuss it on the phone rather than text…”

“Ok then I will contact you again tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow afternoon would be good. Before 5pm…”

“Okay”

A part of me strongly wants to at least meet this person. See what he is like. What makes him choose to sponsor a girl he doesn’t know rather than date a woman. It’s part intellectual curiosity similar to that of the webcam guys and how I delve into the what,why,when,where,how,whos of their lives. I wonder if he is a decent looking person. I wonder if he has sick fetishes. I wonder if he has HIV. I wonder if he will rip me off. I wonder if he will change his mind when he sees what I look like in person. I wonder if my body would forgive me if I did. I wonder if I will actually become a prostitute. I wonder many things. But I do know I am curious. And I do know even just one month – 5 times to be exact – with this person – the $6000 – would really help me out. I could get so much done. If I were to do that plus the webcam where I made over $2200 in a week – over $8000 a month – all combined would be equivalent to pulling $14,000 in ONE month…. With the total $40,000 debt I have in credit card, loans and rent…. Would help me get rid of close to half of it in ONE MONTH.

…and just in time.
My right nipple begins to leak of breast milk.
Reminding me yet again of what I had done and how despicable I am.

*Il-bae: Anti-feminism group

Tears of a Spread Eagle

I sat in that chair – legs open wide, both arms strapped down with a needle pumping IV into my left arm. The doctor stood over me instructing me to not get upset. “Just think of it like you are taking a little nap” he said. He had noticed the stress that stretched out onto my face and he explained the procedure. He had heard the deep sighs leaving my breath like cigarette smoke. “Being stressed and upset will only serve to cause more problems and potentially prove fatal during the operation” he said. I know he was trying to calm me. I know he didn’t think this was something light.

Tears rolled down my cheeks nonetheless. “Seriously if you start crying you create more secretion inside your body like your nose. And it may cause you to not be able to breathe while you are under anesthesia. It’s extremely dangerous.” He dabbed tissues on my eyes wiping away the tears I could not swallow. Then he told me to breathe deeply in and out…in and out… “Breathe with me now. So deep that your chest expands just like this.” I felt the nurse inject the anesthesia into the tube connected to my left arm. I fixed my eyes on the doctor’s face and his black rimmed glasses. More tears made their way down my cheeks as I felt the cold liquid spread paralyzing my arm then slowly to the left side of my head. As the cold wave made it way the image of the doctor breathing in and out began to flicker. With a burst of the stale smell of anesthesia, I closed my eyes.

 

Don’t know exactly when. My eyes opened to a world of blur. Tears were still making their way down…diving into its own demise on the pillow underneath my head. And so it was. No more. The being inside me was there no more. What I had seen beating inside disappeared into a tube..

 

The shame of being in my 30s and still unable to keep a baby all because I have made every decision wrong in my walks of life eating away at me. Flashes of myself seen from the one above.; spread eagle with my bottom half bare for all to see. Unconscious as the doctor inserts the tube that will bring life to an end. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry I thought I could have protected casual sex. I am so sorry my baby…. I didn’t get to hold you I am sorry the condom didn’t work. I am sorry I am so poor. I am sorry I still haven’t learned how to maintain love with someone. I was stupid to think men and women are the same. Utterly stupid to think I can act like a man, to think the consequences will eventually be the same, to think the world worked like that. Me with my retarded rants about equality in a world where equality could never be. Mommy is truly an immature little cunt who has now ended up costing you, your life.

 

Forgive me.

October of 16

11 minutes before the operation.
I sit rummaging through list of food I want to eat in my mind.
Haven’t eaten in 14 hours.
Haven’t drank in 6.
None of it is worth complaining about.
All I want is to forget.
And to be forgiven.

Holier than I

“My mother used to say if you can’t be a good example then be a horrible warning.” he said.

Then he proceeded to tell me I am his horrible warning. That to him, I represent a product of a broken childhood and society’s failure.

And here I was thinking I was a good example to humankind. Considering everything I have been through in my life that I have managed to maintain sanity, spread love, stay loyal, be honest and care. How fascinating it is to see yourself through the eyes of others. To this man I represent a mess. Just a complete fuck up that serves its purpose in life by being a horrible warning for other young girls and boys. Something not to strive to become. Something to avoid becoming. Something not to be.

Collateral damage

This is too painful, he said.
His words still ringing in my ear, I watched as he pulled the trigger. His eyes flooded as did my blood. Fallen, I reached out my hand to him. He stood there with his head hung. This is too painful, he said. In the distance I saw a shadow move behind a tree.

I could see time vaporizing into thin air. Life I was promised, taken. I watched as he turned his back and walked away. This is too painful, I could hear him cry. Drops of hope pouring out from my chest in different shades of red, I lay alone.

One last memory of him, please. The final image to end it all. Beautifully filtered in my tears, I watch as he and her, hand-in-hand, walk into what was my promised future.
.

Skinny love

There you stand – a vertical line against the horizontal sunset.
Darkened by the light from behind, I see you.
The beach… it always suited you.
Gasoline spreads along your elongated shadow licking my toes.
Flicking a light between my fingers, I watch.
I watch as the sun inches down south – your head, then shoulders, then the entire torso.
One by one parts of you disappear into the night, and I stand. Still.
As the night blankets my vision I light the light in my hand.
The distance, this distance, it always suited us so.
Minutes united, hours departed, months in line.
Cigarette it burns: between my fingers, lips, inside my throat, lungs.
Still standing still watching flicking the light on and off.
The sun hanging its head down low, nothing left but your feet now.
Wind carries murmurs whispered in vain.
Throwing the dead cigarette into the wet ground, I flick the light back on.
A blink then two. Then a few more.
Taking a step back, I drop the light.
Instantaneous light. Burning. Heat.
A few steps further backward, I see you.
Your shadow dances with the flames.
Flashbacks.
I feel the heat, the fire, the burn on my toes: the place where you touched me, the place you left.
A laughter bursts into the dark.
Not knowing who it belongs to, we dance into the nothingness.
Shattering tears into intangible happiness – we burn.

Triggers

Dreams.
Smells.
Images.
Photos.
Food.
Bicycles.
Places.
Beaches.
Planes.
Memories.
People.
Voices.
Words.
Flashbacks.
Gifts.
Letters.

All these triggers bring me right back.
To where pain still pulsates.
To when love coarsed the veins.
To how it felt to be engulfed in your presence.
To what was. should have been, couldn’t be.
To the one who wanders about inside.
A home he has within the depth of the soul yet he lives the life of a drifter.
Walking the paths of the damp woods looking for something more.
Great plains turned into a desert.
Wild horses.
Butterfly emotions fluttering the pink skies.
Candle lit stars above my head.
Warm raindrops drizzle onto then into..
The heat of the moon – never quite enough.
Only lingering hope fills the void.
Footprints marks the road to follow to reunite.
Left only to be chased after. None towards I.
Back turned I walk.
Maybe someday.
Maybe.

On record.

Again. Press repeat. Forward. Rewind. Stop.Pause. Go back a few. Skip ahead. Linger. Ponder. Think. Dream. Wakened. Again. Repeat. Press forward. Faster. Rewind. Pause. Stop. Go forward a bit. Jump back. Stay. Think. THINK. Again. Again. Again. Repeat. Repeat. Fast forward. Stop. Press rewind. Stop. Edit. Cut. Delete. Recreate. Again. AGAIN. Stand by. Record. Go on.

Follow me.
Follow me again. Repeat.
Go forward a few months, what do you want to see?
Rewind back to that time. Yes there. Stop. Pause.
Now go back a few seconds. How do you feel?
Skip ahead to where you want. Linger. Ponder. Think.
Why not dream?
Get the fuck up. Wake up.
Now again. Repeat.
Press forward. Come on faster. Did you get that? No? Rewind.
Pause. Stop right there. Really look at it. Really. Go forward a bit, will you?
Ah, you did it wrong again, jump back to that spot. Stay. Think. This is the last time. THINK.
Again. Again. Again. Why do you continue making the same mistakes?
Repeat is all you do. Repeat all the crap you swore you wouldn’t do.
Come on fast forward now. Stop. Do you see it now? Press rewind. There. Stop.
Fuck. Here edit it then. Cut the tape. Delete the data. Recreate it in your mind now.
Again. AGAIN! Good. Now just stand by. No more chances. We are out of time. No more practices.
Pressing record now. Go on. You are live. Be real. Be you. No bullshit. Show me who you really are. Show me who you can be.

Now you.
Again. Press repeat. Forward. Rewind. Stop.Pause. Go back a few. Skip ahead. Linger. Ponder. Think. Dream. Wakened. Again. Repeat. Press forward. Faster. Rewind. Pause. Stop. Go forward a bit. Jump back. Stay. Think. THINK. Again. Again. Again. Repeat. Repeat. Fast forward. Stop. Press rewind. Stop. Edit. Cut. Delete. Recreate. Again. AGAIN. Stand by. Record. Go on.

Something else

One popped and the other rested.

Things changed and yet remained the same.

As it goes, life went on.

Seemingly smooth yet unseen earthquakes moving alongside tides – so you existed.

Gentle waves thrashing against your feet, do you know how I feel?

Just a mere minute in time.

Nothing more than a sand that was left unnoticed in your hair that afternoon.

So you go on living – in denial, in indifference, in delight.

A swift turn in the corner and we collide.

An accident if you will, one with invisible wounds.

Come lick it better my friend. Come and tell me everything will be alright.

What more do I have to give you?

What else could you say to change my life?

Nothing is everything and yet anything result in something.

Hearts that beat, they hum a melody – whispering words your deaf ears cannot comprehend.

Whispering words your deaf ears cannot hear….

And so, life goes on.