I sat in that chair – legs open wide, both arms strapped down with a needle pumping IV into my left arm. The doctor stood over me instructing me to not get upset. “Just think of it like you are taking a little nap” he said. He had noticed the stress that stretched out onto my face and he explained the procedure. He had heard the deep sighs leaving my breath like cigarette smoke. “Being stressed and upset will only serve to cause more problems and potentially prove fatal during the operation” he said. I know he was trying to calm me. I know he didn’t think this was something light.
Tears rolled down my cheeks nonetheless. “Seriously if you start crying you create more secretion inside your body like your nose. And it may cause you to not be able to breathe while you are under anesthesia. It’s extremely dangerous.” He dabbed tissues on my eyes wiping away the tears I could not swallow. Then he told me to breathe deeply in and out…in and out… “Breathe with me now. So deep that your chest expands just like this.” I felt the nurse inject the anesthesia into the tube connected to my left arm. I fixed my eyes on the doctor’s face and his black rimmed glasses. More tears made their way down my cheeks as I felt the cold liquid spread paralyzing my arm then slowly to the left side of my head. As the cold wave made it way the image of the doctor breathing in and out began to flicker. With a burst of the stale smell of anesthesia, I closed my eyes.
Don’t know exactly when. My eyes opened to a world of blur. Tears were still making their way down…diving into its own demise on the pillow underneath my head. And so it was. No more. The being inside me was there no more. What I had seen beating inside disappeared into a tube..
The shame of being in my 30s and still unable to keep a baby all because I have made every decision wrong in my walks of life eating away at me. Flashes of myself seen from the one above.; spread eagle with my bottom half bare for all to see. Unconscious as the doctor inserts the tube that will bring life to an end. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry I thought I could have protected casual sex. I am so sorry my baby…. I didn’t get to hold you I am sorry the condom didn’t work. I am sorry I am so poor. I am sorry I still haven’t learned how to maintain love with someone. I was stupid to think men and women are the same. Utterly stupid to think I can act like a man, to think the consequences will eventually be the same, to think the world worked like that. Me with my retarded rants about equality in a world where equality could never be. Mommy is truly an immature little cunt who has now ended up costing you, your life.
Forgive me.
The Mind Dumping Ground 